New Year again

As this night falls, my thoughts take me back in time,

Yesterday is over and today is gone,

Tomorrow will break in hopefully a new dawn,

I had spent past days with pain, regrets and fear.

I have seen even the morning rays gone pale,

Fresh water for me, even got stale,

Hopeless, broken, agonising again,

Past mornings were no blissful gain.

Prayers I muttered every passing day,

Seems, they narrowly find their way,

Evening passed and night crawled,

May be morning would bring me back some hope?

Days and days and years spent,

Looks same to me as they were before,

Empty spaces, voids and gaps,

Little words, bleak in despair.

Come indeed you will again,

Wounds and pain will come along,

Teach me how to be strong,

Of things imperishable, bitter and truth.

I rise again, against my pain and fails and flaw,

Teach me Time, teach me to be strong,

Whisper the words of wisdom,

Take me by my hand, let me see striving through my pain.

I know this journey long, impale road it has,

Every year, year after year, I look for something new,

I learn few things and forget few things too,

Guard me close, for I am weak too.

Let this new day begun,

Bring some hope and godsend favors too,

I wish myself a new me, let those trials come,

With fearlessness I would greet.

When Evil attack....You Pray!

Morning was mourning in dark smoke,

Today the Sun couldn't reach the Narthex,

Ablaze you were, charred and ached,

 When they came to this holy place,

In silence they knelt heart burdened in pain.

No morning bells rung today,

Pew and Prie-Dieu burnt in ashes and dust in they lay,

The Altar’s died in dark reek,

In vapors of grey the Pulpit lay,

Some demon touched this place,

Some Evil wants to take our advent away,

Burn this bring it down to ashes,

Himself testified in three days HE will rebuild this place,

Quench your thirst Oh! Those Evil hands and heart,

Your hands on this place, trample it, burn it, crush it,

Soul you cannot take away,

Every sadden heart is on keens,

With closed eyes and heart filled with prayer,

Time after time you rip our body with nail, fire and guns,

Our soul’s intact; you cannot claim it for your game!

Mass, Songs and candles, brothers and sisters today we march,

Rise still stronger in our humble prayers,

Prayers to heal your nefarious soul,

We shall offer this and for every evening prayers. 

Still

I still miss you, is that my fault? 

I still see  you around these empty hollow spaces,

I still take your name and feel the pain,

I still miss the conversations we had,

I still feel that woody smoke,

I still wrap myself in your left cologne,

I still miss your deep voice,

I still miss how my hair danced on my skin On your kiss,

I still miss your scar that matched mine like the other half,

I still miss the dreams we had,

I still miss the crazy, stupid plans we had,

I still miss the way you said, I'll carry you and the burdens you have,

I still miss the silly, senseless laughter we had,

I still miss people looking at us like we've lost our minds instead, 

I still miss the best songs that you played,

I still wish for us to meet again someday,

I still miss us.

Last Night Dream

They tell me I have no light and I live in diminishing faith,

Fear grips my heart, doubt carpets my mind,

I don’t sit with my Bible, nor many time I sit in prayer,

Church I don’t visit often, my life seems astray.

Trembling soul, cold and weak, dwindling might, I could hardly see,

I see my dusty strength scattered here and scattered there,

With my shivering hands I gather it from rusty floor,

That little strength that I am left with, seems not enough to fight.

I don’t sit in Church, for long hours neither do I pray,

I don’t talk in tongues, nor wise righteous word I display,

I don’t quote Bible in every word I say,

I am just someone who don’t know how to offer a perfect prayer.

All I know is I’m weak, I need His mighty strength indeed,

Day and night I say HELP is only conversation we have,

My heart needs Him every day, I know every day He has my back,

I know my trembling hands are whole again in His promised pact.

Last night as I laid myself, with questions as always,

This time the conversation was more than usual; help I say,

Not that I was with heavy heart, nor I was in pain,

Few drops of tears rolled out on my face.

I was confused to why and what that meant?

My fears seam to leave, my mind was at peace,

My heart was filled with undefined grace,

I felt the strength in me again, His light in that dark night embraced.

I know I am not right, no righteous life I live,

Lord! I know I have made innumerable mistakes,

You still speak to me, You still ready to pick me from my disgrace,

I lean to You, humbly I seek your face.

Last night brought a new day,

A day of surrender and sweet prayers,

I know, I was dubious, uncertain in my ways,

All I had to do is bent a little and cling to His boundless, abounding grace. 

It's only word

I don't want to write something or anything at all,

Wasted words with all their ruggedness crawls in my mind,

My molecules of emotions are not so volatile and this is a permanent fix every time I have this itch to write,

They say writing takes you to the wonderland, I know I've traveled that land quite many times,

Brisé  and bravura of words that spells on me is so clear, I look like a girl fallen in love for the first time in many years,

You take me to a concealed fearless land there you stand in front of me and take my hand,

My hands, my mind , my heart, in control, in your deepest spell I see the words dance on Waltz,

I see you close, in all your might, ardour, unassailable pride I look at you in awe you are divine,

Look at you what you did to me with ease, you brought my mind on it's knees, adoring you and your wondrous stride on my mind,

I wasn't sure if I can write or paint words, neither I know how to praise your might,

Words you are sometimes tempestuous, sometimes passion, sometimes reverie but most of all you are life to every breath I  breathe, 

I know I started with no words with no will to write, words you are my light in this little shadowed, cold life of mine.

Die a little more everyday!

That's your song I listen to every night, foolish I feel and still I think you may come someday back to my surprise, That's what you always did back then when you were mine some sweet surprise.

Those country songs, those lines of yours, you use to say looking right in my eyes, seemed so real but now I know 'twas some bitter disguise.

Why did you come in my life, I think of you still by each passing time, this fickle heart of mine. The scarf you parceled I still wrap around my neck to feel you're still there and mine.

I remember every word you said, every promise, every gleeful quest you had, you said you had for us, I wonder still what went wrong, how could you leave me so naked and bare.

I still think about us, me in wounded despair, you on a longest walk alone or maybe with  somebody whom you much secretly cared.

I don't know what went wrong between you and I; don't think you anymore care, I care still and breath a little breath of you still everyday, each day I still; like a fool live in your body and die a little more everyday.

Small Yet Strong

Hope

As the night falls, scared I am to close my eyes,

Will I see the vortex again and will I fall?

Mostly, the nights are whispering in my ears,

Tomorrow, again it’ll be the same old day of dry tears.

At nights; I talk it out with myself,

What I want and what I have,

Trying hard at each step,

Broken, crooked road and sore in my steps.

Will I ever be out of this vortex?

Is there a day designed for me,

When I could breathe the fresh blossoms and fresh river stream?

Will I see what’s behind this faded sheet of thoughts?  

It’s not that I’m weak, I know me,

Strong I am within, to everyday; face this dread,

Dawn breaks, I sit with the first ray,

Sharing my last night’s quest.

Ray says, each day rise up,

 Face this test and take one more step,

I see people around who bring me down,

The fear and loathsome feeling, Ray, how do I bare?

I see, what you say and know what you mean,

But life is with people like these,

They are the ones; you don’t understand who make you strong,

Beam, shine, rise like Ray.

Maybe not today, not tomorrow,

But someday, the silent reverie,

The answers you need,

Will be waiting in distance and be clear.

Are those the answers waiting?

To unite with my soulful call, You’ll say,

Passion is what they’ll seek,

Answers to questions when they meet. 

Cry for deliverance

Dark clouds follow me,

Ashes, shadows cover me,

Maze I’m walking in,

No end in sight I’m just lost within.

Drowning, sinking I’m in,

In deep ocean of pain and grin,

Screaming, inside no one’s to listen,

Struggling hard but no one seems to care.

The one closest to me seal me with blame,

No matter how hard I try,

Every time I try, I just fail,

Everyday, I pray to The Alpha, The Omega

I ask what is my purpose here?

I need some answers to my prayers,

Nothing’s easy that comes to me,

Or rather nothing ever comes to me,

Seeking to when this search will end.

Seems some curse walks every now and then,

The more I pray the more I break,

They say it’s a test,

But I fail.

No horizons I see, no drop of rains,

No pastures green, no colorful stains,

No sight of rainbow through my windowpane,

No fresh leaf, no morning ray.

Every night in dark silence,

I scream out YOUR name,

Lord! Where are you?

Will You every rescue me from my pain?

Sore soul I carry every day,

Do You even see my face?

Your word says you have my name,

Carved In your palms,

Just one glance at it,

 And I know, no longer I’ll be in the same pain again. 

A little more perfect

And by each passing day the list just gets bigger and bigger of students I've taught and teaching. It is generally believed that students don't turn back to teachers once you've taught them but I feel that's absolutely not correct. Every year I feel my heart is etched by their names and when they come back to me to play a little guess-my- name -game where I don't have a slightest of confusion in recalling their names and BANG you can see that twinkling sparkle in their tinny little eyes, there that's the exact moment you can say no recognition is above any but yes that beyond feeling of satisfaction is less described in words.

Well I too have made mistakes I confess, but begin a teacher is not an absurdly or surprisingly easy task, I learn everyday and what I learn I try to give it quietly, I understand I don't speak of what I do, because I believe in (Bible verse Matthew chapter 6:1-8) "Thus, when you give to the someone , sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward".

No matter I've receive no Earthy reward but I know I've received my rewards from my Lord. This is my prayer today that God give me the strength to keep going and bless me in my work I must keep learning and serving and yes a little more perfectly.

That last letter I wrote to you!

In the calmness of this night,

my very own poem and my very own photography!

Lie, lay in the dungeons alive.

Lie to yourself; said my heart,

Lie and say; I’m happy,

Lie and say; my life is full,

Lie and say; you’re beautiful.

Lie and say; I need not a thing,

Lie and say; where is, trouble?

Lie and say; I too dream,

Lie and say; I know no nightmares,

Lie and say; there is no empty space.

Lie and say; I am free,

Lie and say; I there are no tunnels,

Lie and say; I know no fear,

Lie and say; I see the lights,

Lie and say; tomorrow will too be bright,

Lie and say; I see the dove taking their flight,

Lie and say; I drink from rivers of life,

Lie and say; the sorrow have demised,  

Lie and say; the doors are still open wide,

Lie and say; there’s life on the other side,

Lie and say; the sky is blue and white,

Lie and say; the soul’s music revived,

Lie and say; life is a bitter, sweet dream,

Lie and say; this dream too shall die,

I say to lie, don’t lie,

I have come this far, and your lies will never survive,

Lie, you lay your lies in the dungeons alive.

This Little Heart

Yesterday, as I was walking, talking to myself, thinking, pondering 

my head was like a carousel!

As I walked past the field, the one I daily walk by,

I watched these kids playing marbles, flying kites and chasing wind and butterflies,

Though it was hot, the sun was in its prime,

I watched these kids and some more thoughts added to this head of mine.

Took me back to those summer afternoons when I was a child,

Garden I had a lush of green, where roses, poppy, lilium use to lie,

Miss my home in that small town, where even the smallest thing was so divine,

I wish to go back in time, when I played board games with other kids near by,

Under that 60 year old Cassia, that my grandpa with love left in our little paradise,

Where little birds perched, looking at us sing tunes in our little paradise.

The tree was old, tall and strong, home it was for little feathered birds and bees,

Yellow flowers it bore in every March of mine,

Little hands of ours picked those flowers each, making magic in spring time,

Beauty was simple back in those days, 

When everything measured in love and sweet rhythm divine,

Our little hearts were filled with grace of natures love and praise.

Wonder where are those simple days?

The home, the little birds, the little heart and yellow flowers of mine!

Certain I am, they will never come by, never will they be mine,

All I'm with those memories, those sweet summers, winters and flowery spring times,

That sweet smell of my home, flowers in flowerbed that my Paa took care all the time,

Sweet relief it just is, this little heart of mine holds the riches when I was a child.  

The Bitter Truth

I came to this world with no possessions;

Clueless I was, to what it will be,

Looked around puzzled and bedazzled life made me,

 The more I learnt about it the more it amazed me,

Questions I had, to why this be wasn't ‘life beautiful’ supposed to be?

Grew with this world learnt its ways,

Not that I wanted, but drifted to its certain ways,

Tricks of others I know none, simple I was born with no dark shades,

Cloak of shades covered my face somehow unclear, things were maze

Wasn't ‘life clear’ supposed to be?

As I thought I am learning, learning its mysterious ways,

It swirled me in its enormous waves,

Drenched I was wanted to dry,

But sun seemed to hide somewhere behind those cloud of grey

Wasn't ‘life bright’ supposed to be?

I thought I was standing, standing tall,

Life show me your real face,

Face of treachery, defeat and betray,

Was I ready or too soon did I say, I know not, was I too impulsive to say,

Wasn't ‘life simple’ supposed to be?

And as I thought I've learnt all its ways,

More I longed, more I demanded to its bitter sweet ways,

I shoveled hard, harder to look for the treasure’s safe,

It brought me near to some bitter, secret place,

Wasn't ‘life jeweled’ supposed to be?

And I thought now for the final time,

I have everything but everything is not enough,

I wanted more; more wasn't still much, I started to gather, thinking it’ll last for

Eternity, Eternity smiled at me, she knows I’m naive and there she showed me the

Bitter truth of life, wasn't ‘life sweet’ supposed to be?

Life now mocked at me, ruthlessly smiled,

All this time you struggled for dust, indeed you are too naive,

You kept shoveling, digging for your own space of six feet under,

Where ashes to ashes, dust to dust remain and reign forever.

Wasn't ‘I Real’ this is supposed to be!

Dear Dad

I woke up this morning with prayer in my heart,
I closed my eyes and bowed my head, 
Words were clear in my mind,
And humbly I prayed.

My prayer was unadorned and plain,
This heart of child seek something,
Something precious and dear,
For which I make this prayer.

Thank You! Father for my father so dear,
Who taught me all Your ways,
A father who helped me through,
Whenever I lose my way. 

Today on this special day 
I thank You! You kept him safe in your care,
Thank You Father! For I have a father 
who knows how to care.

He teaches me the things that no one seem to care,
To be humble and grounded is what he teaches me till date,
I live through his principle to be gentle and kind,
Is what I strive to be each day.

He helps me learn to stay with hard,
Never give up is what he says,
He teaches me, for when I make mistakes,
I know you want me to be right, I know this is what you pray.

I thank You! Father for my father here,
And on this day, when You were forming him,
I know you planed it for this and many more days to come,
That I may get the perfect father, who knows all Your ways.

Bless him Lord with day’s abundance,
Days of health and blessings for him I pray,
I make this prayer for him today,
On this special day!

Some hearts, Someday, Someone!

Quietude defines the thoughts inside,

Sometimes I fear and sometimes I try,

Will I get someday what I look for, or

Someday my dreams or I will die?

Misty sight I may have,

Still, forward to move I have,

To see what’s there on the other side?

Walking I am, this journey’s too long.

Failed I have many times,

Its face so pellucid to me,

That mist is thick indeed,

My will is thicker, I’ll go! Where it’ll lead?

I still have to know.

Nothing seems easy, nothing seems right,

People say give up, you don’t need to try,

I don’t say a word or say anything at all,

Quietude defines the thoughts inside.

Insulted, betrayed and broken I feel,

Why I ask myself?

Why this to be, with me?

You ripped my trust and trampled it with ease.

I still believe someday, someday,

I surely will reach and receive,

 Just as I try to question everything,

This mist will die and someday it’ll be clear.

scary things...PEOPLE!

 I just did not thought of writing this until now, when I had too many experiences where I thought to myself or rather pushed myself to write this.

And please don’t you go by the title, at this point of time there are so many things that are beyond scary

Let’s go point by point

In our life time we meet so many people that it’s almost difficult to keep a count, but still we do manage to remember most of them for some sweet and some bitter reasons now by this time you must be thinking as to what do I imply? And to where is the scary part?

Here’s what scares me.  

People who are too sweet in your face but behind you they be “Jack the Ripper”

People who tell you all the good things, until you start to make believe and soon you realise that was just a dream.

People who talk religious stuff, I mean they literally preach you to the core if it! but their own life is filled with hypocrisy, filth or addiction.

People who suggest me to get married, if marriage is a life changing event then frankly I don’t want to change my life or anybody’s life for that matter near or around me, I’ve already seen “PEOPLE CHANGING”.

People who are loud they are out there, throw out all the rude people. Some of these boors don’t even know they’re boors! They’ve just behaved that way all their lives and so has everyone they know.

People who are bigots, racist etc. etc. they resent difference.

People who are happy to see you fail and fall.

Weird people who talk, talk and talk. Wonder are they never tired?

Undisciplined children, do I really need to blame children for their behaviour Naahha! It’s because of the least-or-not-so-bothered kind of attitude their parents have, thinking that will restrict their child mental growth blah, blah, blah, (I wonder how did we made this far).

I think everyone should use their own hands to supports themselves and help other. I have little patience with lazy people, or people who choose not to work. If you need me, all you have to do is ask. I’ll bring you food. I’ll do your laundry. I can do your paperwork, I can do stuff that you do make a big furore of. But if you’re just lying/sitting around waiting to be waited on, or feel in any way, shape or form that the wold owes you a living, I will tell you exactly what I think of you.

People who are, let us euphemistically say, somewhat less than nice, or less than hardworking, or less than considerate, etc. Let’s face it: those are the people who “stand out” sometimes, which is most unfortunate since such people don’t deserve to stand out. My question is simply this: What has happened to us as a society that we give all this time and attention to such people when it’s the OTHER kind of people who are most deserving of it?

These above kind of, people seriously scares the (not a very decent way of speech) S*** out of me. And most of the time I think why such people prevail and people like me write this to just vent the feeling out?